Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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