he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
