I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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