Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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