I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
