If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize