I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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