idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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