You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
