she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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