I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dicks are not precious.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
