I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize