When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
