Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
