I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
