I'm gonna have a badass scar
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
