I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
