you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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