I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
