Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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