I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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