I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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