he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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