listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
