I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
