i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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