Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
