God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize