my soul wont recognize me after tonight
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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