Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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