can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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