i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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