It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize