thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize