A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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