it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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