Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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