all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
