my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
