the condom got lost in my hair
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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