I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
