I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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