i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
