i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
