I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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