Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize