Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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