my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
