You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize