I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
