we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
