What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
