i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
