my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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