I'm sorry my penis didn't work
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
