Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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