I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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