If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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