D3 body, D1 cock
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
