i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
