And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
