The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
