I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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