but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
