I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
